That Game Is What?

I was having a bit of fun the other day looking up terms on Urbandictionary.com, and I decided it would make for an interesting column if I started looking up videogame terms to pass on to you, the GN faithful. Eventually, it just turned into "name a game and pick the most disparaging/humorous definition of said game" - which isn't really so bad.*

Here's what I found during my quest (entries left unedited for extra entertainment value - beware of extreme profanity):

Video games:
1 - The only thing that's fun to do anymore.

PS3:
1 - sony playstation 3, it was released @ E3 2005, looks like a fridge door with dildos as controllers
2 - An over priced George Foreman grill, enough heat and space to cook food for a 3rd world country plus it costs as much as a 3rd world country...

Wii:
1 - Wii (pronounced "Wee") is the name for Nintendo's new console to be released in 2006. The soundalike word wee is also a euphemism for urinating. Nintendo had always insisted they would become "number one", and now they are.
2 - A repackaged Gamecube with motion controls. Formerly known as the Levorution
3 - To change a cool sounding product into a name that sounds like you have to go to the bathroom
4 - XBox 360's little white bitch

Xbox 360:
1 - Basically Microsoft's next big fat console that allows blood-thirsty players to play blood-filled killing games. Will emulates incredible details and graphics of death, mutilation, blood, infiltration, conspiration, explosion, planet novas, killing and prostitution.
2 - A junky fucking game system that isn't worth a penny. It breaks easily, horrible graphics, the graphics are blurry, junky look, shitty-ass controls, sucks like the xbox. PS3 rules! Xbox 360 sucks ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3 - The suckiest Next-Gen console Ever.
4 - The Game console pwned by the PS3 and Wii.

MMORPG:
1 - Many Men Online Role-Playing Girls.
2 - A treadmill that makes you fatter.
3 - A mans mistress
4 - Relationship killer.

Leeroy Jenkins:
1 - Doing it Leeroy Jenkins Style. Meaning to do something so bloody wild that youll be talked about for months because it was bloody insane.

World of Warcraft:
1 - A good fun alternative to life.
2 - crack, in CD-ROM form.
3 - The most highly addictive game ever played. It will consume your soul and poison your water supply.

Halo:
1. without this game most guys would spend most of their time masturbating
2. code word: group, all male, masturbating.
3. electronic circle jerk, multiguy mission.

Halo 3:
1 - If idle hands are the devil's tools, then the Halo franchise should be delaying armageddon for decades to come.
2 - A gift probably from heaven, programmed by god himself. Though Playstation 3 fag boys...sorry, "fanboys" may say it sucks, they are just disappointed that their console will not be able to handle it. With all it's cool features, halo 3 will make gaming history. On Sept 25th the earth itself will shake from the awesomeness of halo. I look forward to laughing at the PS3 fans on that day.

Metal Gear Solid:
1. a game that is too fucking cool for words to describe.if you havnt played it then you cant realy say you've had life experience when applying for a job.

Final Fantasy:
1 - a highly addictive drug.
2 - the video game series that used to be for video game geeks but now is now unfortunately enjoyed by all, including the people that used to beat me up for liking these games
2 - The RPG plague and should be ingorned and it will go away.
3 - some gay game that all the gay ass nerds play and they suck balls

Guitar Hero:
1 - A game played at Best Buy as a way to pick up chicks who dont realize that no skill from playing the real guitar is required.
2 - A video game on the Playstation 2 and the lazy man's alternative to actually playing the guitar because they are either too lazy, impatient, or simply lack the talent.
3 - DDR for your fingers. Has spawned an obsession over the entire country. 15 year olds who have never touched a real guitar consider it to be the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Mario Kart:
1 - A drunk college student's favorite pastime.

Mario:
1- A fat and short plumber that the only way he can get laid is is to save the princess from Bowser. He eats shrooms to grow higher. To give an example of how much he wants to get laid: hes willing to bust bricks with his head. But you, have a better chance of getting laid if you stay big, so don't get hit or you'll shrink.
2 - Self absorbed, self centered, one-upping douche. See also Jackass

Luigi:
1 - A pimp-ass motherfucker who always gets outstaged by his short, fat brother,

Zelda:
1 - Absolutely, beyond a doubt, no questions asked, the GREATEST GAME OF ALL TIME EVER CREATED ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! Anyone who hates Zelda sucks at life completely.
2 - The hoebag princess from The Legend of Zelda series that does absolutely nothing and screams a lot.

Silent Hill:
1 - an insanely scary game designed to make boys and girls defecate as soon as they are exposed to it. its fucked up.
2 - A game is nice and quiet then out of no where OMFG SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

Tekken:
1 - see gay.
2 - more like a shit videogame.
3 - The pimpest game there is. Anyone who says "OMG TEH VIRTUA FIGHTAR!" is either an anime fanboy japanophile cockshit or one of those fighting game uber nerds who study framerates and whatshit.
4 - Its the mojo that keeps you alive
5 - virtua fighter is fucking gay and tekken is nothing like street fighter. its the best fightin game out on the market to this day and if you dont like it you can suck a dick. Easily beaten but not easily mastered

Virtua Fighter:
1 - VF = Better graphics, physics, GAMEPLAY, REPLAYABILITY, LASTABILITY!!!
Teken = Better ways to mash buttons, better flashes, better CHEAP factor.
2 - Virtua fighter is a game for American wannabe jap nerds that think gay bullshit is better just for the fuck of it. Well it ain't. Hope you learned your lesson Bitch.

Street Fighter:
1 - A story about RYU's serious ego problem.
2 - The source of all school violence. That and DOOM.

That's all for now. I think I will do this again one day with different games (hopefully ones that are just as loved/hated as the ones listed above). Hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did.

*Disclaimer: The definitions in this column in no way represent the feelings of the author. If you would kindly direct your torches and pitchforks elsewhere, that would be greatly appreciated.

If They Were Halo, They'd Be Kings

The massive anticipation is over. Halo 3 launch day has come and gone with great fanfare - big events, long lines, eager fans, master chief, etc. In the first 24-hour period alone, the game grossed over $170 million. To put that in terms of copies sold, it's roughly equivalent to more than 2.8 million. Of those, 1.7 million copies were pre-sold.

With Halo 3 riding high on the extreme marketing push made by Microsoft and Bungie, one has to wonder if it would have experienced such success without it. More so, it is interesting to ponder what games might have done just as well as Halo 3 had they received the same tender loving care from their respective marketing departments.

I have gone through a slew of recent releases, and come up with a pair of games that may very well have been this year's super-sellers had they been pushed down consumers' throats the same way that Halo 3 was.

Bioshock is arguably the best game of 2007. It received multiple "best of E3 honors, as well as "best Xbox 360 game" at the 2007 Games Convention in Leipzig, Germany. Also the third in a series, Bioshock is the spiritual successor to a pair of games that routinely land on critics' "top videogames of all time" lists - System Shock and System Shock 2.

It's rich storyline and excellent gameplay were apparently not enough to match the might of Halo 3, however. Halo 3 managed to sell more copies prior to release than Bioshock had done with more than 2 weeks of shelf time. As of September 10th, 2K's shooter was reported to have shifted 1.5 million copies.

Bioshock's Gamerankings and Metacritic ratings are both a full point higher than those of Halo 3, even though nearly twice as many scores have been recorded yet it's total sales pale in comparison.

Metroid Prime 3 is widely considered the best original Wii title to date. It is the third part of the critically acclaimed 3-D series in one of Nintendo's biggest franchises. This is beside the fact that the much earlier Super Metroid for the SNES topped EGM's infamous Top 100 Games of All Time, and has since appeared in the top 20 range of nearly every similar list since. Still, Metroid Prime 3 sold a mere 10th of Halo 3's day one numbers in the first week after release.

The advertising behind this sales performance? A downloadable Wii channel with videos and pictures of the game, along with Virtual Console releases of the first two games in the Metroid franchise. That sort of isolated advertising is not exactly what one would expect to lead to Haloesque sales...and it didn't.

So what would happen if all of these games had equal marketing muscle backing them? Well, I'm no Michael Pachter, but I imagine it would lead to greater sales and fan support. Either of these stellar sequels could have shared in the success of Halo 3, but-- Hey, look at that! The Halo 3 "Believe" commercial is on TV.

Halo Hype: Nauseating

I think this article will be the first of a two-part series (can I call it a "series" if there are only two parts?), but I won't be certain until I reach the midpoint, so read on...

Anyway, Halo 3 is almost upon us ("us" meaning those not named Brendon), and the anticipation for the title is at fever pitch. This game's fan following is built not only on the merits and successes of past Halo games, but also upon marketing and the highly influential, ever-present "hype engine."

The internet is actually an instrumental tool used to keep this machine well-oiled. In the past 10 days alone, GamerNode has run about seven or eight stories about Master Chief's new adventure, and nearly every one had something to do with the Halo 3 launch, sales, or obsession. Let's take a look:

For one, Wedbush Morgan analyst and gaming prophet Michael Pachter has predicted that Halo 3 will sell over 3 million copies in it's first 12 days on the market. In addition, analyst Colin Sebastian has claimed that he believes the game will gross more $$$ in a single 24-hour period after launch that the record-holding Spider Man 3. How much? Over $200,000,000.

The game has already made some money. Due to early leakage and a broken street date, a PAL copy of the regular retail version (not the Legendary Edition with helmet and bonus discs) showed up on ebay a few days back. It sold for the equivalent of a whopping $206 plus $10 shipping. The incredible thing about this is that not only was the final sale price so insanely high, but the auction ended just five days before the game's official release. The winner would only be able to play (alone, mind you) for four days before he or she could've gotten the game for about $150 less in the store. O_o

Or maybe this person couldn't have gotten the game in a store, because it seems it may be sold out before it even releases! The Legendary (read: f*cking expensive) version is, anyway. For more than twice the price of the normal game, "collectors" get a small replica of Master Chief's helmet, a couple of bonus DVDs, a pretty box, and the game. $130 for this bundle...and it's already sold out! Wtf?

Not only that, but more retail outlets than ever before are holding special "Halo parties", beginning as early as midday Monday and climaxing when the clock strikes midnight. The games will be dished out and everyone will sprint, drive, ride, fly home to play them. At the Best Buy on 5th Avenue in NY, celebrities and Bungie employees will even be making appearances to play the game publicly on Monday afternoon, along with a few lucky gamers.

I was in the GameStop in Myrtle Beach last night and overheard some kids who were gawking at a particular piece of store signage. One said something to the effect of, "line starts at 9pm, I'm gonna be waiting for three hours to get my copy." The whole lot of them went into what was nearly a round of seizures over the aforementioned Master Chief helmet when the smug store associate revealed it to be sitting in the cabinet on the wall behind the desk (it was pretty shiny). To quote one of the pre-pubescent, borderline retarded children, "Halo helmet, Halo helmet, Halo helmet, Halo helmet..."

It seems the power of this franchise has reached a plateau that is almost beyond comprehension. While it turns children into zombies here in the U.S., the Westminster Council in London believes that Halo 3 will be a major catalyst for riots in the streets, and has cancelled all midnight launch events along London's Oxford Street, the largest shopping strip in Europe.

Finally, in what is probably the biggest example of the power this game holds over the gaming masses, a professionally-made, full-body Master Chif costume has sold on Ebay for over Twenty-One THOUSAND U.S. Dollars. No additional commentary necessary. Look.

So there you have it - the lead-in to the release of what will undoubtedly be a very good game (we can just ask Brendon for confirmation of this, since as of this posting he has already beaten the game on normal mode. It took 7 hours, if you're wondering). Wouldn't it be funny if it sucked? In any case, the question we must ask is this:

Objectively, is Halo 3 really amazing enough to deserve this sort of fervor and success, or is the unprecedented level of hype some sort of strange, nearly unexplainable phenomenon? What other very good, great, or even outstanding games could have done just as well with the right sort of marketing? What games are actually better than Halo...yet haven't enjoyed even a fraction of its success?

Next time, we'll examine this question...and its answer.

The Count | Top 10 (+1) Most Anticipated Games Of 2007

Experience has taught me that oftentimes, gamers are better off taking projected release dates with a grain of salt, but I can't help but feel like 2007 is going to be one of the best years in gaming history. There are enough high profile titles on the way to drown a fish, and they all look outstanding. I had trouble limiting it to only 10 of them - so I didn't. Here are my most anticipated games of the coming year:


(+1) Halo 3

Now I know somebody out there doesn't care about this game, but the rest of the gaming world is salivating in anticipation. The third installment of the critically acclaimed franchise is set to be huge, with high-def visuals and enhanced online gameplay, not to mention the climax of the series' story. The near-universal love of the series is clear, as Halo 2 remains the most-played game on Xbox Live to date. With the online beta of Halo 3 just around the corner, there is a lot to be excited about.


10) Blue Dragon


This one has already been released in Japan, and is responsible for selling more Xbox 360s there than any other game can claim. This RPG is the craft of a dream team who, when last working together, created one of the most lauded RPGs of all time - Chrono Trigger. A game that tweaks its genre just right, Blue Dragon does away with random battles, putting enemies on screen at all times. It also features a unique system for GETTING INTO battles, allowing players to string together fights, building momentum as they go, as well as drawing rival creatures into the same bloody fray - where they will attack EACH OTHER. Other points of awesomeness are the party of five characters, which all fight in every encounter, and the deep class system. It sounds like an RPGer's dream.


9) Grand Theft Auto IV

Just one image. That's enough. Heck, ZERO images would be enough for this game. We don't know where it takes place, what time period it spans, or who the main character might be, but it doesn't matter - we know it will be good. As of this posting, 19 days remain until the first trailer of GTA IV is shown at http://www.rockstargames.com/IV/.


8) Mass Effect


"BioWare presents..." Those words alone are enough to gamers excited. The company's track record is indeed a sight to behold - they are responsible for Baldur's Gate, Neverwinter Nights, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic and Jade Empire. Mass Effect's gameplay is reminiscent of prior games, but with a few huge improvements. The branching dialog in this game is done completely in real-time. This will allow the player to interject as he pleases and give these interactions a much less-scripted feel. The combat has also been improved, with all-new tactical control over party members' actions and equipment. Lastly, let's not forget that the voice acting is excellent and the graphics are some of the best around.


7) Super Mario Galaxy


This is the Mario game we're supposed to be excited about...and I am. It's Mario in full 3D again, and with a slew of Wii-centric controls, Super Mario Galaxy aims to take gamers on a ride unlike any previous Mario adventure. My only reservation was that game might focus too much on a single theme, quickly wearing out it's initial appeal (a la Super Mario Sunshine). Considering the variety of locales seen in this latest video, I'm not terribly worried, and can't wait to try it out.


6) White Night Story


From the developers of the recent hit RPGs Rogue Galaxy and Dragon Quest VIII, as well as the Dark Cloud Series, White Knight Story appears to be the game that could coax me into buying a PS3. Not only does it LOOK amazing, but it features a battle system unlike any other. Encounters are rendered in accurately choreographed sequences, where successful strikes on the enemy are mixed amongst a barrage of attacks that are either blocked or parried, before tasting the sweet reward of steel on flesh. As seen in the trailer, the protagonist is also capable of transforming into a hulking white knight, which is ALL KINDS of cool.


5) Metal Gear Solid 4


Metal Gear Solid is an incredible series, and MGS4 is sure to be an incredible game. Snake has grown old and battle-weary, but remains in the heat of combat, aided once again by his old friend Otacon. The jump to the newest console generation has done wonders for the graphical presentation of the game, and will propel the already stellar cinematography of the series to new heights. The story promises to be just as interesting as previous games, and will surely have plenty of underlying messages to deliver to eager gamers. This game will definitely be an experience.


4) God of War 2


If you've played God of War, then you MUST BE excited for God of War II. The first game was...well, awesome. It was fierce action combined with fun platforming and a top-notch story. If that game, and this trailer are any indicator, then God of War II is shaping up to be one of the best games the PS2 has to offer. We'll find out this Tuesday if the term "swan song" is applicable here.


3) Spore


When Will Wright creates something, people take notice. The legendary designer is hard at work on an ambitious new game, entitled Spore. Borrowing elements from games ranging from Pac-Man to The Sims, E.V.O. to Cubivore, it is what one might call a "life sim," where players guide the evolution of of an organism up through the generations, and at the same time through multiple game genres. The game features a huge amount of procedurally generated content, from the creatures that populate the game world, to the very world itself. Furthermore, Wright has dubbed Spore a massively single player game, because as players progress, their creations will begin to show up in other users' worlds. There, they become AI-controlled parts of that other player's game, and are tagged with their creator's information. From protist to intergalactic conquerer, there is just TOO much to Spore NOT to be excited.


2) Super Paper Mario


As a huge fan of the old 2D Super Mario Bros games, as well as the stylish Paper Mario games, there is no describing how exciting Super Paper Mario is to me. Not only that, but when Super Mario Sunshine promised an "incredible new feature," all I hoped for was a game that transitioned between classic 2D platforming and 3D exploration. It's finally here. This game introduces a myriad of new character abilities and gameplay opportunities to gamers, and combines 2D side-scrolling, 3D platforming, and role-playing elements all into a single bundle of AWESOME.


1) Assassin's Creed


I am in love with this game. Besides the ability to navigate your surroundings based purely on the physics and structure of the game world, it is everything I could ever want in an action game. Free-roaming exploration, acrobatics, stealth, swordplay, horseback riding, assassinations, and BEAUTIFUL visuals. Additionally, there have been rumblings of a very unexpected and intriguing plotline. All this from the people who brought us Prince of Persia. *swoon*


There you have it - a complete year of gaming goodness.