What's That Game Again?

Remember my "That game is what?" post, where I listed some of the most humorous Urban Dictionary definitions of various videogames to illustrate just how passionate, clever, and juvenile the internet community can be? Well I said I'd be back with more, so here's round two. Again, I just tried to find the most radical opinions of some of the more popular games and game characters in recent memory, and then brought them here, unedited, for your amusement.*

Here's what I found on my second quest into the dark abyss known as the internetz (entries left unedited for extra entertainment value - beware of profanity):

Super Smash Bros:
1 - The act of gangbanging a woman.

God of War:
1 - A game where Kratos seems to be the only real god since the other Gods die more often than mortals themselves..

Ninja Gaiden:
1 - "...Is too damned hard" is the end of that sentence..
2 - Overrated videogame developed by Tecmo for the NES. Following its release in 1988, the game went on to eventually attain enormous popularity amongst snerds and hardcore lamers alike..
3 - One of the Hardest games on X-Box that is impossible to beat..

Nintendo DS:
1 - A product that doesnt come close to PSP, grade is a D- where as a PSP is an A+
2 - A lame attempt by nintendo to revive their dying empire. People, nintendo is dead, move on.

PSP:
1 - PlayStation Portable: Sony's Handheld PlayStatio-*battery dies*
2 - A status symbol for nerds with money to burn.
3 - Overrated handheld made by Sony. Drooled by Sony fanboys who only care about graphics, not gameplay.
4 - Almost a games handheld, but has so much packed into it, it took several scientists to realise that could play games.

Grand Theft Auto:
1 - The best thing to happen to videogames ever.
2 - Awesomeness
3 - The game that turns even the most intelligent and polite guys into angry fools as they scream about failing another mission involving shooting hookers and crack addicts.
4 - A game that people play to make themselves feel important when they aren't. Highly overrated by the public. Winning awards it may have otherwise not have had it not been for the mass killing sprees and liscensed music involved in the game.
5 - The most overrated series of video games ever, because it allows nerds to look like big, bad, guys to be a criminal who steals shiny cars, kills hookers, and has sex, all in their imagination.

Everquest:
1 - A highly destructive psychological plague released by the neo-nazi affiliate, Verant. Symptoms of the virus include a brief sense of accomplishment followed by a rapid succession of worthlessness, the inability to function in a social setting, and permanent detrimental effects to one's chances of getting laid. The only known cure is suicide, or Everquest II.
2 - The second most effective birth control method next to linux.
3 - Created by people just as lonely as the people who play it. You play a gnome, elf, fairy or (Imagine this) a man. Your goal is to loose your job, wife, family, money, ability to use muscles (Besides clicking fingers and wrists), and life to this game. Your character collects graphical swords and potions in a never ending quest to obtain level 99 status. If you do, you are transported (in real "life") 10 years into the future, with no idea how the outside world looks, or how the sun looks for that matter.
4 - Also known as EverCrack because of it's incredibly addictive nature. Friends don't let friends play EverCrack.
5 - Something that slowly withdraws you from 'real' life, in which your daily chores become a means to a never ending end - hence the 'ever' in quest. The more you play this game, the more it will strangle you. 'Real' life activities such as waiting for the bus will most likely entail vivid thoughts of what you'd do if you could catch a female dark elf in real life or perhaps weighing up whether or not to buy a mug that makes you more intelligent. Enjoyment does not come from the actual play of the game as it is extremely repetative, rather it comes from the immense sense of power you hold over 'newbies' or those of lower 'level than you - Overall then, quite a decent computer game.
6 - It's like crack for nerds.

Gears of War:
1 - The only game on the market that lets you curbstomp people.

Rock Band:
1 - Actually Drum Hero, but with Guitar Hero and Karaoke Revolution added for free..

Master Chief:
1- a faggot guy wearing a green costume. Everything is fake and all u losers out there obsesed with the game just face it, hes a faggot! he has a girlfriend who isnt even real, named cortana, who lives in his head! He's a fag.
2 - The only person more badass than Spiderman, Superman, David Hasselhoff, Megatron, Optimus Prime, Batman, Goku, 50 cent, and Ryu COMBINED. And contrary to popular belief, he is also a mac-daddy pimp.
3 - A euphenism for a penis.

Call of Duty 4:
1 - The greatest alternative to sex, better than masturbation too.
2 - The most overrated game in the history of video gaming.
3 - The dstupidest game ever made
4 - The greatest game ever made. Ever.

Mass Effect:
1 - Gayest...Game...Ever!!!
2 - An evil game that will eat your soul if you try it. It is for the Xbox360, and it is Evil.

Peggle:
1 - To engage in sexual activity, esp. boinking.
2 - A peggle is a man who gives off the impression that he is slightly queer and flirts with girls at any opportunity in a girlish manner.

That's all for episode two. You can expect more fanboyism and franchise hatred in the future, and remember kiddies, don't drink and type - it makes you look like an ass.

*Disclaimer: The definitions in this column in no way represent the feelings of the author. If you would kindly direct your torches and pitchforks elsewhere, that would be greatly appreciated.

The Count | Top 10 (+1) Most Anticipated Games Of 2007

Experience has taught me that oftentimes, gamers are better off taking projected release dates with a grain of salt, but I can't help but feel like 2007 is going to be one of the best years in gaming history. There are enough high profile titles on the way to drown a fish, and they all look outstanding. I had trouble limiting it to only 10 of them - so I didn't. Here are my most anticipated games of the coming year:


(+1) Halo 3

Now I know somebody out there doesn't care about this game, but the rest of the gaming world is salivating in anticipation. The third installment of the critically acclaimed franchise is set to be huge, with high-def visuals and enhanced online gameplay, not to mention the climax of the series' story. The near-universal love of the series is clear, as Halo 2 remains the most-played game on Xbox Live to date. With the online beta of Halo 3 just around the corner, there is a lot to be excited about.


10) Blue Dragon


This one has already been released in Japan, and is responsible for selling more Xbox 360s there than any other game can claim. This RPG is the craft of a dream team who, when last working together, created one of the most lauded RPGs of all time - Chrono Trigger. A game that tweaks its genre just right, Blue Dragon does away with random battles, putting enemies on screen at all times. It also features a unique system for GETTING INTO battles, allowing players to string together fights, building momentum as they go, as well as drawing rival creatures into the same bloody fray - where they will attack EACH OTHER. Other points of awesomeness are the party of five characters, which all fight in every encounter, and the deep class system. It sounds like an RPGer's dream.


9) Grand Theft Auto IV

Just one image. That's enough. Heck, ZERO images would be enough for this game. We don't know where it takes place, what time period it spans, or who the main character might be, but it doesn't matter - we know it will be good. As of this posting, 19 days remain until the first trailer of GTA IV is shown at http://www.rockstargames.com/IV/.


8) Mass Effect


"BioWare presents..." Those words alone are enough to gamers excited. The company's track record is indeed a sight to behold - they are responsible for Baldur's Gate, Neverwinter Nights, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic and Jade Empire. Mass Effect's gameplay is reminiscent of prior games, but with a few huge improvements. The branching dialog in this game is done completely in real-time. This will allow the player to interject as he pleases and give these interactions a much less-scripted feel. The combat has also been improved, with all-new tactical control over party members' actions and equipment. Lastly, let's not forget that the voice acting is excellent and the graphics are some of the best around.


7) Super Mario Galaxy


This is the Mario game we're supposed to be excited about...and I am. It's Mario in full 3D again, and with a slew of Wii-centric controls, Super Mario Galaxy aims to take gamers on a ride unlike any previous Mario adventure. My only reservation was that game might focus too much on a single theme, quickly wearing out it's initial appeal (a la Super Mario Sunshine). Considering the variety of locales seen in this latest video, I'm not terribly worried, and can't wait to try it out.


6) White Night Story


From the developers of the recent hit RPGs Rogue Galaxy and Dragon Quest VIII, as well as the Dark Cloud Series, White Knight Story appears to be the game that could coax me into buying a PS3. Not only does it LOOK amazing, but it features a battle system unlike any other. Encounters are rendered in accurately choreographed sequences, where successful strikes on the enemy are mixed amongst a barrage of attacks that are either blocked or parried, before tasting the sweet reward of steel on flesh. As seen in the trailer, the protagonist is also capable of transforming into a hulking white knight, which is ALL KINDS of cool.


5) Metal Gear Solid 4


Metal Gear Solid is an incredible series, and MGS4 is sure to be an incredible game. Snake has grown old and battle-weary, but remains in the heat of combat, aided once again by his old friend Otacon. The jump to the newest console generation has done wonders for the graphical presentation of the game, and will propel the already stellar cinematography of the series to new heights. The story promises to be just as interesting as previous games, and will surely have plenty of underlying messages to deliver to eager gamers. This game will definitely be an experience.


4) God of War 2


If you've played God of War, then you MUST BE excited for God of War II. The first game was...well, awesome. It was fierce action combined with fun platforming and a top-notch story. If that game, and this trailer are any indicator, then God of War II is shaping up to be one of the best games the PS2 has to offer. We'll find out this Tuesday if the term "swan song" is applicable here.


3) Spore


When Will Wright creates something, people take notice. The legendary designer is hard at work on an ambitious new game, entitled Spore. Borrowing elements from games ranging from Pac-Man to The Sims, E.V.O. to Cubivore, it is what one might call a "life sim," where players guide the evolution of of an organism up through the generations, and at the same time through multiple game genres. The game features a huge amount of procedurally generated content, from the creatures that populate the game world, to the very world itself. Furthermore, Wright has dubbed Spore a massively single player game, because as players progress, their creations will begin to show up in other users' worlds. There, they become AI-controlled parts of that other player's game, and are tagged with their creator's information. From protist to intergalactic conquerer, there is just TOO much to Spore NOT to be excited.


2) Super Paper Mario


As a huge fan of the old 2D Super Mario Bros games, as well as the stylish Paper Mario games, there is no describing how exciting Super Paper Mario is to me. Not only that, but when Super Mario Sunshine promised an "incredible new feature," all I hoped for was a game that transitioned between classic 2D platforming and 3D exploration. It's finally here. This game introduces a myriad of new character abilities and gameplay opportunities to gamers, and combines 2D side-scrolling, 3D platforming, and role-playing elements all into a single bundle of AWESOME.


1) Assassin's Creed


I am in love with this game. Besides the ability to navigate your surroundings based purely on the physics and structure of the game world, it is everything I could ever want in an action game. Free-roaming exploration, acrobatics, stealth, swordplay, horseback riding, assassinations, and BEAUTIFUL visuals. Additionally, there have been rumblings of a very unexpected and intriguing plotline. All this from the people who brought us Prince of Persia. *swoon*


There you have it - a complete year of gaming goodness.