The Zombie Invasion Of Floria: A Plants Vs. Zombies Virgin Experience

So it's the end of the year again, and that means that now is the time that I, instead of playing new games for review or compiling various other collections of lexemes and such, sit and play everything that I've missed throughout the year in hopes of being able to look at year-ends awards from an honest and informed perspective. This year I came across a delightfully click-tastic little gem of a game from the developers of what would probably be my videogame nemesis, Peggle. (Yes, I think Peggle is awful.) This time, though, PopCap has done something right, and has delivered to us the excellent Plants vs. Zombies.

"So what is Eddie writing right now? Is this a review?" You might be asking yourselves questions like these right now, but I can assure you that this is not a review at all, but a look at one man's virgin experience with a seven-month-old game that just about everyone was already well-versed in, and an utter reversal of opinion over the course of a single fervent hour of gaming (probably less, considering the time I paused the game).

I have obviously been aware of PvZ for some time, but only yesterday did I actually try my hand at the game, and the following is my excited, reactionary, AIM conversation with fellow GN director Ryan Maffit.

This should be fun (offensive language and poor writing advisory in effect)...

[23:38] Eddie: i have to record a short clip tomorrow
[23:38] Eddie: about the year's most overrated game
[23:38] Eddie: and i'm stumped
[23:38] Eddie: i wish i played Killzone 2
[23:39] Ryan: he
[23:41] Eddie: ok, time to look at gamerankings
[23:41] Eddie: sort by 2009
[23:41] Eddie: best to worst
[23:45] Eddie: AWWW shit... Plants vs Zombies...
[23:45] Ryan: haha
[23:45] Eddie: 89%
[23:45] Ryan: that was a good 1 too
[23:45] Eddie: i bet i think it's overrated
[23:45] Ryan: :P
[23:45] Eddie: jeeze, i hope i do, anyway
[23:45] Ryan: haha
[23:45] Eddie: or i'll have no answer
[23:45] Ryan: its good I have it on my steam
[23:46] Eddie: now that batman is awesome
[23:46] Eddie: :-/
[23:46] Ryan: :P
[23:46] Ryan: ha
[23:55] Eddie: ok, so can i judge PvZ by the online demo?
[23:55] Ryan: link?
[23:56] Eddie: http://www.popcap.com/games/free/pvz
[23:56] Ryan: the actual game
[23:56] Eddie: this shit is boring
[23:57] Ryan: has a lot more stuff
[23:57] Ryan: haha
[23:57] Ryan: I think it starts off real slow
[23:57] Ryan: but it gets tricky
[23:57] Ryan: well in terms of similarity to the actual game
[23:57] Ryan: this is pretty spot on for the first level
[23:57] Ryan: lol
[23:58] Eddie: well this IS PopCap
[23:58] Eddie: it's the real game
[23:58] Eddie: just online
[23:58] Ryan: haha
[23:58] Ryan: even down to the music its the same :P
[23:58] Eddie: and it's a bunch of clicking
[23:58] Eddie: and dumb
[23:58] Ryan: >< [23:59] Eddie: i mean, Peggle Deluxe got an Xbox 360 release this year
[23:59] Eddie: but that's an old game
[23:59] Ryan: true
[23:59] Eddie: otherwise it would be my pick
[23:59] Eddie: i think Peggle is the most overrated game of all time
[23:59] Eddie: haha
[23:59] Eddie: maybe i'll say that
[23:59] Ryan: haha
[00:00] Eddie: PvZ is far better than Peggle
[00:01] Ryan: ya
[00:01] Ryan: haha
[00:04] Eddie: i'm actually enjoying it now
[00:04] Ryan: :P
[00:04] Ryan: Ya
[00:04] Ryan: first 3-4 levels are mad boring
[00:04] Eddie: if a zombie touches a plant does the plant die?
[00:05] Ryan: no
[00:05] Ryan: it starts attacking it
[00:05] Ryan: then it eats it
[00:05] Ryan: haha
[00:05] Eddie: ok
[00:05] Eddie: not so fast
[00:05] Eddie: but yes
[00:05] Ryan: takes a lil while
[00:08] Eddie: oooh a shovel
[00:08] Ryan: haha
[00:08] Ryan: ya u get power ups and shit
[00:09] Eddie: oh cool
[00:09] Eddie: bowling level
[00:09] Ryan: haha
[00:11] Eddie: ooooh
[00:11] Eddie: a squash
[00:12] Ryan: :P
[00:13] Eddie: i'm using that shit IMMEDIATELY
[00:13] Ryan: lmao
[00:13] Eddie: YES!
[00:13] Eddie: THWOMP
[00:13] Ryan: :P
[00:15] Eddie: wtf
[00:15] Eddie: a high-jumping zombie!
[00:15] Ryan: LOL
[00:15] Ryan: yup
[00:16] Ryan: told ya it takes strategy
[00:16] Ryan: haha
[00:17] Eddie: i think i left way too much space for sunflowers that time
[00:17] Eddie: i LOOOOOOVE sunflizzles
[00:17] Eddie: i Love SUN. I love lamp
[00:17] Ryan: haha
[00:17] Eddie: i'm getting a THOUSAND text messages right now
[00:17] Eddie: wtf
[00:18] Ryan: :S
[00:18] Eddie: i just got 4 in 4 seconds from 4 people
[00:19] Ryan: nice
[00:21] Eddie: oh shit
[00:21] Eddie: The Hero of Time
[00:21] Eddie: is in a tab
[00:21] Eddie: you sent me that link ages ago
[00:21] Ryan: lmao
[00:21] Eddie: and i clicked it
[00:21] Ryan: yes
[00:21] Ryan: haha
[00:21] Eddie: and now it's still here
[00:21] Ryan: yup
[00:21] Ryan: haha
[00:21] Ryan: its like
[00:21] Ryan: a full movie
[00:21] Ryan: haha
[00:21] Eddie: that was so long ago
[00:21] Eddie: when i first heard about it
[00:21] Ryan: haha
[00:21] Ryan: ya
[00:22] Eddie: did you watch it?
[00:22] Eddie: i probably will tonight
[00:22] Eddie: but wait.... first i have to fucking blast undead with snow peas
[00:22] Ryan: hehe
[00:29] Eddie: awww sheeeeeiiit
[00:29] Eddie: piranha plant
[00:29] Ryan: :P
[00:29] Eddie: oh
[00:29] Eddie: i can only have 6 to choose from
[00:29] Eddie: cool
[00:30] Eddie: "LET'S ROCK"
[00:32] Ryan: :P
[00:32] Ryan: hehe
[00:35] Eddie: ooooh
[00:35] Eddie: the rePEAter
[00:35] Eddie: 2 peas at a time
[00:35] Eddie: win
[00:35] Eddie: i fucking love this
[00:35] Eddie: haha
[00:35] Eddie: why am i still playing?
[00:35] Eddie: i thought it was a demo
[00:35] Eddie: this is a healthy ass demo
[00:42] Eddie: haha
[00:42] Eddie: damn
[00:43] Eddie: FUCKED them up
[00:43] Eddie: MY LAWN IS INVINCIBLE!!!!!
[00:43] Eddie: i have 2 full columns of sunflowers
[00:43] Eddie: then one of snow peas
[00:43] Eddie: then one of sunflowers
[00:43] Eddie: then TWO of rePEAters
[00:44] Eddie: CRUSHING FOES
[00:59] Ryan: LOL
[01:00] Eddie: holy balls
[01:00] Ryan: the full game gets crazier
[01:00] Ryan: haha
[01:00] Eddie: those little yellow fuckers are POWERFUL sun-spreaders
[01:00] Ryan: lmao
[01:00] Eddie: the shroomies
[01:00] Ryan: Yes
[01:00] Eddie: YEESSSS
[01:00] Ryan: haha
[01:00] Eddie: i just had about 6759865q8965248 sun
[01:00] Eddie: and 6 rows of super shooting shit
[01:01] Ryan: :P
[01:01] Ryan: and u thought it was an overrated game pshh
[01:01] Ryan: haha
[01:04] Eddie: i can't stop
[01:04] Ryan: ya it's a good game
[01:09] Eddie: DAMN
[01:10] Eddie: excellent
[01:10] Eddie: the demo's over
[01:10] Eddie: and i think i may post this chat session in my column
[01:10] Eddie: haha
[01:10] Ryan: haha
[01:10] Ryan: lmao :P

I really enjoyed that. Go try out Plants vs. Zombies here.

Silent Hill Scribblings

I'm back with another round of pre-review scribbling, this time for the mildly horrifying Silent Hill: Homecoming. Being a fan of the series, I had a lot to think about while playing and reviewing this game and therefore took many notes during the gameplay process. Here's what I was thinking as I played:

good thing the first save point is called "nightmare" or else i actually would have felt suspense and surprise

ooh, a siren, and fucked-up-ness. feels like good ol' silent hill.

weak/strong/stronger melee attacks. i like choices. still a bit clunky, though. maybe it's just me

the stop-motion of these nurses is cool. lighting is good, too.

i can't tell if this camera is terrible or if it's just my fault for being unskilled with non-inverted vertical controls. in any case, there SHOULD be an option to switch that.

mash the a button to keep your arm!

that basic drum beat ramp-up isn't really all that cool. maybe if the timing was better/it was used very sparingly

the map operates agreeably, but why does shepherd's glen have the same fog problem as silent hill?

and is it normal to be welcomed home in the middle of the night by some lady near a creepy monument?

nice house, but who has this many locked doors in their house?

i figured it out. it's the move/strafe look/turn combo. doesn't fit survival horror somehow

i like this combat camera. dramatic.

this game just insulted my intelligence by giving multiple hints to what was so obvious i could barely call is a puzzle.

facial expressions are very good. obviously the best graphics in a sh game

that industrial, static-filled soundtrack is true to sh, and still heart-pounding

as if a foggy, devastated shepard's glen wasn't creepy enough, here i wake in silent hill. time to party

now there's a familiar... head

guns are actually useful!

wtf, do enemies respawn?

love the real-time transition to otherworld

bosses seem to be alright. not just blasting away.

Cut scenes are very nicely directed. Dramatic camera angles along with clean graphics and ambient lighting.

The game feels more like a dark action game than typical horror. I find myself waiting for the psychological mind-fuck that characterizes the sh games of old to suddenly kick in, but it never does, and i'm left just wandering from dark place to dark place fighting monsters.

the early signs of plot cohesion and thematic content still strike me as being weakly applied.

this is not the triumphant return to form that i expected from this installment in the silent hill series, but it is an improvement over the unfortunate misstep that was sh:o.

there's a delay between input and action for these context sensitive commands

i'm fighting order members. i suddenly have lots of ammunition. again, this doesn't feel like the horror game i'm used to. i'm using 3d move/strafe, look/turn controls to shoot guns at humans. they're humans. feels wrong.

there are some good puzzles mixed in

slow to start, but this game is getting interesting and tying together at the end. getting sorta nuts.

good game, but it's no silent hill of old

like an action-horror flick shot with a camcorder, as opposed to a psychological thriller shot with professional grade filming equipment.

Too Human Scribblings

I recently played and reviewed Silicon Knights' long-in-development Too Human, and the review process ended up being one of the more laborious examinations in recent memory. A great deal of consideration went into my assessment of the title, and along with that came a fairly large text file of notes about the game.

A la Kyle Stallock (from whom I shamelessly stole this idea), I give you my pre-review scribblings about Too Human. Enjoy.

like a movie. some of the best direction and cinematography i've seen in a while.

the graphics are not amazing in a technical sense, but the cinematography, artistic direction, and environment design make up for that

miss the whole backstory unless you let the title screen play out. maybe a bad choice

camera shows you what the devs want. crafted experience. wonderful angles make this an epic experience. a static-yet-mobile camera similar to eternal darkness

controls are good. take some orientation. shooting is like smash tv or...uh...commando. also somewhat like eternal darkness

the game doesn't tutor the player much. help available if sought.

spend lots of time in inventory, changing weapons/armor as you get new. auto-salvage can prevent this to a degree

weapon sets give bonus bonuses

dying is a momentary lapse in the action. consequences=weapon degradation

a vast amount of equipment customization. charms, runes, colors, sets,

there is no way to heal oneself, aside from picking up random health drops (or playing as a bioengineer). class distinctions

catching bits of conversation as you explore helps explain the belief structure of the society and the political situation in too human

the game is divided up into missions that baldr embarks on as the story unfolds. each is introduced via a healthy dose of cinematic narrative and backstory. retrospective flash-back segments and explanations reveal...

past missions can be re-played outside of the main storyline of the campaign mode

5 classes, each with different strengths/weaknesses, skills, proficiencies, equipment, etc

some enemies must be dealt with in specific ways. i.e. explosive enemies must be attacked from afar to avoid getting caught in their explosive death throw. alternatively, a player can use a melee juggle to launch them into the air and have them explode far away. gun-resistant, etc

bosses are visually diverse, but some employ similar attack strategies

party is sorta useless, or at least invisible. you hear them more than you see them. always seem to show up at the path to the next area.

pacing is up and down. the game is abnormally death-inducing......for a no-defense berserker.

the excellent dual-world setup should be taken advantage of more. it tapers off

thor
baldr
loki
grendel
aesir
hod
odin
hel
nidhogg
ragnarok

niestzche - human, all too human...hunting monsters

What's That Game Again?

Remember my "That game is what?" post, where I listed some of the most humorous Urban Dictionary definitions of various videogames to illustrate just how passionate, clever, and juvenile the internet community can be? Well I said I'd be back with more, so here's round two. Again, I just tried to find the most radical opinions of some of the more popular games and game characters in recent memory, and then brought them here, unedited, for your amusement.*

Here's what I found on my second quest into the dark abyss known as the internetz (entries left unedited for extra entertainment value - beware of profanity):

Super Smash Bros:
1 - The act of gangbanging a woman.

God of War:
1 - A game where Kratos seems to be the only real god since the other Gods die more often than mortals themselves..

Ninja Gaiden:
1 - "...Is too damned hard" is the end of that sentence..
2 - Overrated videogame developed by Tecmo for the NES. Following its release in 1988, the game went on to eventually attain enormous popularity amongst snerds and hardcore lamers alike..
3 - One of the Hardest games on X-Box that is impossible to beat..

Nintendo DS:
1 - A product that doesnt come close to PSP, grade is a D- where as a PSP is an A+
2 - A lame attempt by nintendo to revive their dying empire. People, nintendo is dead, move on.

PSP:
1 - PlayStation Portable: Sony's Handheld PlayStatio-*battery dies*
2 - A status symbol for nerds with money to burn.
3 - Overrated handheld made by Sony. Drooled by Sony fanboys who only care about graphics, not gameplay.
4 - Almost a games handheld, but has so much packed into it, it took several scientists to realise that could play games.

Grand Theft Auto:
1 - The best thing to happen to videogames ever.
2 - Awesomeness
3 - The game that turns even the most intelligent and polite guys into angry fools as they scream about failing another mission involving shooting hookers and crack addicts.
4 - A game that people play to make themselves feel important when they aren't. Highly overrated by the public. Winning awards it may have otherwise not have had it not been for the mass killing sprees and liscensed music involved in the game.
5 - The most overrated series of video games ever, because it allows nerds to look like big, bad, guys to be a criminal who steals shiny cars, kills hookers, and has sex, all in their imagination.

Everquest:
1 - A highly destructive psychological plague released by the neo-nazi affiliate, Verant. Symptoms of the virus include a brief sense of accomplishment followed by a rapid succession of worthlessness, the inability to function in a social setting, and permanent detrimental effects to one's chances of getting laid. The only known cure is suicide, or Everquest II.
2 - The second most effective birth control method next to linux.
3 - Created by people just as lonely as the people who play it. You play a gnome, elf, fairy or (Imagine this) a man. Your goal is to loose your job, wife, family, money, ability to use muscles (Besides clicking fingers and wrists), and life to this game. Your character collects graphical swords and potions in a never ending quest to obtain level 99 status. If you do, you are transported (in real "life") 10 years into the future, with no idea how the outside world looks, or how the sun looks for that matter.
4 - Also known as EverCrack because of it's incredibly addictive nature. Friends don't let friends play EverCrack.
5 - Something that slowly withdraws you from 'real' life, in which your daily chores become a means to a never ending end - hence the 'ever' in quest. The more you play this game, the more it will strangle you. 'Real' life activities such as waiting for the bus will most likely entail vivid thoughts of what you'd do if you could catch a female dark elf in real life or perhaps weighing up whether or not to buy a mug that makes you more intelligent. Enjoyment does not come from the actual play of the game as it is extremely repetative, rather it comes from the immense sense of power you hold over 'newbies' or those of lower 'level than you - Overall then, quite a decent computer game.
6 - It's like crack for nerds.

Gears of War:
1 - The only game on the market that lets you curbstomp people.

Rock Band:
1 - Actually Drum Hero, but with Guitar Hero and Karaoke Revolution added for free..

Master Chief:
1- a faggot guy wearing a green costume. Everything is fake and all u losers out there obsesed with the game just face it, hes a faggot! he has a girlfriend who isnt even real, named cortana, who lives in his head! He's a fag.
2 - The only person more badass than Spiderman, Superman, David Hasselhoff, Megatron, Optimus Prime, Batman, Goku, 50 cent, and Ryu COMBINED. And contrary to popular belief, he is also a mac-daddy pimp.
3 - A euphenism for a penis.

Call of Duty 4:
1 - The greatest alternative to sex, better than masturbation too.
2 - The most overrated game in the history of video gaming.
3 - The dstupidest game ever made
4 - The greatest game ever made. Ever.

Mass Effect:
1 - Gayest...Game...Ever!!!
2 - An evil game that will eat your soul if you try it. It is for the Xbox360, and it is Evil.

Peggle:
1 - To engage in sexual activity, esp. boinking.
2 - A peggle is a man who gives off the impression that he is slightly queer and flirts with girls at any opportunity in a girlish manner.

That's all for episode two. You can expect more fanboyism and franchise hatred in the future, and remember kiddies, don't drink and type - it makes you look like an ass.

*Disclaimer: The definitions in this column in no way represent the feelings of the author. If you would kindly direct your torches and pitchforks elsewhere, that would be greatly appreciated.

That Game Is What?

I was having a bit of fun the other day looking up terms on Urbandictionary.com, and I decided it would make for an interesting column if I started looking up videogame terms to pass on to you, the GN faithful. Eventually, it just turned into "name a game and pick the most disparaging/humorous definition of said game" - which isn't really so bad.*

Here's what I found during my quest (entries left unedited for extra entertainment value - beware of extreme profanity):

Video games:
1 - The only thing that's fun to do anymore.

PS3:
1 - sony playstation 3, it was released @ E3 2005, looks like a fridge door with dildos as controllers
2 - An over priced George Foreman grill, enough heat and space to cook food for a 3rd world country plus it costs as much as a 3rd world country...

Wii:
1 - Wii (pronounced "Wee") is the name for Nintendo's new console to be released in 2006. The soundalike word wee is also a euphemism for urinating. Nintendo had always insisted they would become "number one", and now they are.
2 - A repackaged Gamecube with motion controls. Formerly known as the Levorution
3 - To change a cool sounding product into a name that sounds like you have to go to the bathroom
4 - XBox 360's little white bitch

Xbox 360:
1 - Basically Microsoft's next big fat console that allows blood-thirsty players to play blood-filled killing games. Will emulates incredible details and graphics of death, mutilation, blood, infiltration, conspiration, explosion, planet novas, killing and prostitution.
2 - A junky fucking game system that isn't worth a penny. It breaks easily, horrible graphics, the graphics are blurry, junky look, shitty-ass controls, sucks like the xbox. PS3 rules! Xbox 360 sucks ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3 - The suckiest Next-Gen console Ever.
4 - The Game console pwned by the PS3 and Wii.

MMORPG:
1 - Many Men Online Role-Playing Girls.
2 - A treadmill that makes you fatter.
3 - A mans mistress
4 - Relationship killer.

Leeroy Jenkins:
1 - Doing it Leeroy Jenkins Style. Meaning to do something so bloody wild that youll be talked about for months because it was bloody insane.

World of Warcraft:
1 - A good fun alternative to life.
2 - crack, in CD-ROM form.
3 - The most highly addictive game ever played. It will consume your soul and poison your water supply.

Halo:
1. without this game most guys would spend most of their time masturbating
2. code word: group, all male, masturbating.
3. electronic circle jerk, multiguy mission.

Halo 3:
1 - If idle hands are the devil's tools, then the Halo franchise should be delaying armageddon for decades to come.
2 - A gift probably from heaven, programmed by god himself. Though Playstation 3 fag boys...sorry, "fanboys" may say it sucks, they are just disappointed that their console will not be able to handle it. With all it's cool features, halo 3 will make gaming history. On Sept 25th the earth itself will shake from the awesomeness of halo. I look forward to laughing at the PS3 fans on that day.

Metal Gear Solid:
1. a game that is too fucking cool for words to describe.if you havnt played it then you cant realy say you've had life experience when applying for a job.

Final Fantasy:
1 - a highly addictive drug.
2 - the video game series that used to be for video game geeks but now is now unfortunately enjoyed by all, including the people that used to beat me up for liking these games
2 - The RPG plague and should be ingorned and it will go away.
3 - some gay game that all the gay ass nerds play and they suck balls

Guitar Hero:
1 - A game played at Best Buy as a way to pick up chicks who dont realize that no skill from playing the real guitar is required.
2 - A video game on the Playstation 2 and the lazy man's alternative to actually playing the guitar because they are either too lazy, impatient, or simply lack the talent.
3 - DDR for your fingers. Has spawned an obsession over the entire country. 15 year olds who have never touched a real guitar consider it to be the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Mario Kart:
1 - A drunk college student's favorite pastime.

Mario:
1- A fat and short plumber that the only way he can get laid is is to save the princess from Bowser. He eats shrooms to grow higher. To give an example of how much he wants to get laid: hes willing to bust bricks with his head. But you, have a better chance of getting laid if you stay big, so don't get hit or you'll shrink.
2 - Self absorbed, self centered, one-upping douche. See also Jackass

Luigi:
1 - A pimp-ass motherfucker who always gets outstaged by his short, fat brother,

Zelda:
1 - Absolutely, beyond a doubt, no questions asked, the GREATEST GAME OF ALL TIME EVER CREATED ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! Anyone who hates Zelda sucks at life completely.
2 - The hoebag princess from The Legend of Zelda series that does absolutely nothing and screams a lot.

Silent Hill:
1 - an insanely scary game designed to make boys and girls defecate as soon as they are exposed to it. its fucked up.
2 - A game is nice and quiet then out of no where OMFG SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

Tekken:
1 - see gay.
2 - more like a shit videogame.
3 - The pimpest game there is. Anyone who says "OMG TEH VIRTUA FIGHTAR!" is either an anime fanboy japanophile cockshit or one of those fighting game uber nerds who study framerates and whatshit.
4 - Its the mojo that keeps you alive
5 - virtua fighter is fucking gay and tekken is nothing like street fighter. its the best fightin game out on the market to this day and if you dont like it you can suck a dick. Easily beaten but not easily mastered

Virtua Fighter:
1 - VF = Better graphics, physics, GAMEPLAY, REPLAYABILITY, LASTABILITY!!!
Teken = Better ways to mash buttons, better flashes, better CHEAP factor.
2 - Virtua fighter is a game for American wannabe jap nerds that think gay bullshit is better just for the fuck of it. Well it ain't. Hope you learned your lesson Bitch.

Street Fighter:
1 - A story about RYU's serious ego problem.
2 - The source of all school violence. That and DOOM.

That's all for now. I think I will do this again one day with different games (hopefully ones that are just as loved/hated as the ones listed above). Hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did.

*Disclaimer: The definitions in this column in no way represent the feelings of the author. If you would kindly direct your torches and pitchforks elsewhere, that would be greatly appreciated.