Hittin' The Slopes -- We Ski Review

We Ski can be viewed as yet another "quasi-game" to grace the Nintendo Wii; something meant to appeal to a broader audience than much of the modern catalog of videogames. For those not seeking a deep, engaging experience, however, the game will provide a small and simple sandbox to play in, as well as the next worthwhile usage of the Wii's motion controls, not to mention its newest input device, the Balance Board.

Playing We Ski calls to mind another 2008 Wii release, Endless Ocean. The two share the premise of relaxed and lightly guided play, with few highlighted goals or big, motivational incentives. The difference lies in the fact that We Ski features a traditional gameplay mechanic (racing) that gamers have grown accustomed to over the years. Otherwise, We Ski is a game designed for players who are more interested in spending time using the game to create their own unique experience. In that regard, it is very faithful to the sport and pastime that it aims to recreate, as most skiers hit the slopes with no more specific goals in mind than to simply enjoy what they are doing - skiing.

We Ski's main focus is its freestyle mode, where players' custom geared (and Mii-headed) skiers are tossed onto the mountain resort to do as they please. There are multiple "hills" there, which are each marked off by a starting gate, and can be accessed by taking one of the many lifts, warping directly to the start via the pause menu, or navigating the place on your own. The hills are alive with cpu-controlled skiers, some of whom will challenge you to races and stunt/mogul competitions, and others who will ask you to find and rescue people or items from any of the individual courses on the mountain. There are indeed pre-defined tasks to complete in We Ski, but most of the game boils down to just doing your own thing.

There are also regular, slalom, and mogul races available directly from the main menu and playable by up to four people. Oh, those late night We Ski scenes...classic. There is fun to be had here, for sure, but I would contend that it has less to do with the game itself than with the player interaction and general tomfoolery that ensues.

Unfortunately, I didn't have a Wii Balance Board at the time of review, so I am unable to give a proper evaluation of its functionality with We Ski. Theoretically, turning is achieved by simply shifting weight from one foot to the other, as if carving into the slope of the mountain, but I can't say how well this actually works in practice. What I can say is that the Wii-mote/nunchuk motion controls are generally very responsive (and make for a really funny-looking pair of dudes trying to race each other).

Players move forward by motioning as if pushing off the ground with ski poles, and turn by tilting the Wii-mote and nunchuk in the direction of the turn. Sharper turns can be achieved by holding down B and Z (or C) while tilting the controller, and midair tricks can be pulled off by gesturing accordingly. There is a bit of a learning curve to all this, and even though things smooth out after a while, the controls can still feel oversensitive at times.

Graphically, the game ranks somewhere in the Gamecube 1.5 category, with minimally detailed character models and backgrounds, and basically low-res everything. The art style is on par with the typical casual Wii game, but it still would have been nice to see something a little prettier, especially given the small scope of the game world. As for audio, there is a nice, laid-back blend of tracks, including a remixed version of the Pac-Man intro theme and an instrumental Katamari on the Rocks. Other Namco remixes serve as ambiance, as well. The game's sound effects leave much to be desired, however. They are generic and stereotypically electronic.

As I mentioned earlier, We Ski is a game that seems to have been designed not with the "hardcore" gamer or racing enthusiast in mind, but more for someone who is interested in exploring a virtual skiing experience at his or her own pace. There are few real motivational goals in this sandbox-style game, and while that might be great for some, We Ski's biggest downfall is that it lacks substance. Try it out if you are interested in chillin' out on the ski hill, but skip it if you need more to drive your gaming experience than your own whims.

An Un-Fantastic Voyage -- Brain Voyage Review

Playing Razorback Studios' Brain Voyage has an effect similar to eating a slice of pizza anywhere in the US other than New York; it may not be very enjoyable, but it makes one truly appreciate the quality of the good stuff (/NY superiority complex).

In all seriousness, Brain Voyage is the latest member of the "brain game" bandwagon, but does very little to add to the emerging genre, and falls short in real entertainment value. In other words, this isn't NY pizza (okay, now I'm done with that analogy, I promise).

Brain Voyage features 16 different puzzle types with 5 variations each. They are not all available from the beginning, however. Players complete the early puzzles to win coins, which can then be used to purchase new puzzles, or higher difficulty levels on existing ones. The number of coins a player earns is based on their score for that particular puzzle. There are bronze, silver, and gold medals, and each one is worth more coins than the last.

This isn't called Brain Voyage just for kicks; the puzzles aren't arranged in a simple menu, but are accessed via points on a world map and played with those cities as backdrops. That may sound like a fresh and interesting approach, but in actuality it makes selecting the desired puzzle much more difficult. None of the cities are labeled with the type of puzzle played there, even after clicking through from the world map to the puzzle level select. It's only when the puzzle begins that its identity is revealed, so either memorize which puzzles go with which cities, or don't expect to be able to choose the type of puzzle you want to play at any given moment.

There are a couple of other modes in Brain Voyage, but they are fairly insubstantial. In random play, the game will string together 4, 8, or 16 puzzles and keep a running total of points accrued across all of them. There is a leaderboard at the end where players can see their names go up in lights (by that I mean plain text). One can also directly access and replay puzzles that he or she decided to save while "voyaging," although I found little incentive to ever make use of that feature. The puzzles simply aren't engaging enough to want to replay for "fun."

The puzzles themselves are based off of simple games that just about everyone should be familiar with. Minesweeper, mazes, matching, Simon, peg solitaire, and counting (yes, counting) are just a few of the less-than-exciting games that players will tackle on this voyage. It isn't quite Professor Layton or even Brain Age, so don't expect to be wowed by the puzzle quality.

The audio and visual presentation is not very impressive, either. The graphics are very simple and undetailed, and the music sounds like something out of the 8- or 16-bit era. Interestingly, the game's host looks like a significantly less menacing and poorly rendered version of Nintendo president Reggie Fils-Amie.

There are better "brain games" on the market than Brain Voyage, to put things simply. For quick and engaging play, try the Brain Age games, and for a little more depth and intelligence, there's the stellar Professor Layton and the Curious Village. As for Brain Voyage, I can't bring myself to recommend picking it up.

One Word Review | Wii Sports

This is One Word Review, a concept that I shamelessly lifted from my friend Creighton over at eight bit childhood (it's okay, he said I could). The idea behind OWR, as we like to call it, is that videogames are so often rated, reviewed, and discussed to exhaustion that it is sometimes a relief to read a succinct, definitive description of a game--a single word that sums up the most prominent characteristics of the gaming experience. That's the idea, so here goes:

Demonstrative

The Count | Give Me More: Games That Need Sequels

I've been thinking a lot about sequels lately, and how so many original games these days will eventually have at least one sequel somewhere down the road. It really doesn't matter if the game is good, great, mediocre, or utter crap, either, because sequels are low-cost, high-profit products. It makes a gamer really appreciate games that actually deserve a second, third, or even fourth edition.

I'm planning to spend a few weeks (maybe not all in a row) talking about sequels: games that need sequels, franchises that need to call it quits, exemplary sequels/series', and more are all on the menu. Today I'll begin with a short list of games that I feel are so worthy of sequels that it saddens me not to see them made. I hope and wish and dream that follow-ups for these gems will one day exist.

Psychonauts

If it isn't already obvious that I'm a big fan of Psychonauts, Tim Schafer, and everything he's ever been a part of, hopefully now I've made it abundantly clear. Psychonauts features top-notch platform-adventure gameplay and some of the best writing in all of videogaming, making it a it a can't-miss title (that so many have seemed to miss). It also ends with the main character, Raz, becoming an official Psychonaut, then being immediately called off on some undetailed mission. We simply need to play that mission, and more.

Beyond Good & Evil

One of the best non-Zelda additions to its genre, Beyond Good and Evil managed to take elements from games across the board and seamlessly stitch them together into a complete, mature-themed (in the literal sense, not the ESRB one) adventure with a whole lot to say to gamers. Unfortunately, this colorful, truth-seeking journey came to an inevitable end, leaving the relatively few gamers who had the pleasure of experiencing it wanting more. The ending suggests that the story is not yet over, and those who played through this masterpiece would certainly agree.

Skies of Arcadia

One of the best games for the Dreamcast, and arguably the best RPG for the Gamecube, Skies of Arcadia is absolutely deserving of a sequel. It's about airships and sky pirates, exploration and fighting evil, but this cliche extravaganza still feels fresh. I'd even go so far as to call it epic. The game will take away a healthy chunk of your life, but it's interesting and enjoyable throughout. The only thing I would adjust is the frequency of random encounters, but honestly, the battle system was enjoyable enough that this slight is forgivable. Gimme some more!

River City Ransom

I can't make it through a single "great games" discussion without mentioning this beat-em-up-with-RPG-elements from Technos Japan. This game had everything a gamer could want from the genre, plus a whole lot more to make it stand out from the rest of the pack. Players could learn new techniques by purchasing and reading books, increase their stats by chowing down on sushi, pizza, burgers, etc., and make use of all manner of impromptu weaponry. The action was fast-paced, and the fun of co-op RCR has been matched by few games since 1989. Current generation technology could really work wonders.

Eternal Darkness

This game is a breath of fresh air. Taking the horror genre to places it had never been before, Eternal Darkness weaved a tale of epically occult themes, spanning thousands of years and handfuls of protagonists. The writing, even in describing seemingly unimportant environmental elements, was well beyond what most gamers have come to expect, and pulled together a world that could keep even the most severely ADD-stricken gamers interested. With a unique combat system and its highly original insanity effects, Eternal Darkness stands out among horror games, infusing real-life fear into a virtual experience. Even a completely new story would fit the series, so it's hard to believe Silicon Knights wouldn't follow up on this gem of a game.

Earthbound

Earthbound is one of the most unique and clever RPG series' to ever grace a home console. It is in no way formulaic, and never fails to be original. Unfortunately, this three-game series has only seen ONE U.S. release, so while its presence on this list may be nationalistically selfish, it is absolutely justified. Earthbound has an incredible following here in the west, and all these fans really want is to play Earthbound's sequel in a language they can understand. Mother 3, the official follow-up to 1995's SNES edition, was released in Japan for the GBA in 2006, and has no foreseeable future, stateside. Thus far, fansite Starmen.net has done more for the U.S. fans than Nintendo.

Bioshock

A sequel to this August '07 release is already in the works, planned for 2009, but I thought it necessary to say just how great a successor to this incredible title will be. Bioshock required gamers to approach a first-person shooter in a way that deviated from the norm, adding depth and meaning with unique gameplay and excellent storytelling. This was my personal pick for GotY 2007, and I'd be willing to pay twice to play its sequel. The great thing about it is that the next game need not even continue the storyline of the first game - it only needs to create a game world as rich as its predecessor, using the tools and methods that 2K Boston has already put in place. That's not to say that improvements can't be made, of course...

There are plenty of other games that could use a good sequel, as well. These are just the ones that I long for the most. So, what sequels do you want to see?

One Word Review | Tony Hawk's Pro Skater

This is One Word Review, a concept that I shamelessly lifted from my friend Creighton over at eight bit childhood (it's okay, he said I could). The idea behind OWR, as we like to call it, is that videogames are so often rated, reviewed, and discussed to exhaustion that it is sometimes a relief to read a succinct, definitive description of a game--a single word that sums up the most prominent characteristics of the gaming experience. That's the idea, so here goes:

Dextroustunty

The Holy Grail? -- Grand Theft Auto IV Semi-Review

I don't often read game reviews. One reason I try to stay away from them is to maintain the integrity of my own critiques. Reviewing videogames is an important part of my job description, and I want my words to be as original and truthful as they can be.

The other reason I avoid reviews is because sometimes I think reviewers are living in a different friggin' reality than the one that I'm experiencing. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy getting a bit of a different perspective on things, but some of what people say about certain games makes me want to hand out awards for being dumb...or drugged.

Such is the case with Grand Theft Auto 4 reviews. I've been playing the game for a while now, and I enjoy it. I would definitely recommend that gamers try it out, but wouldn't expect it to be universally loved. To be completely honest, it feels a lot like any other 3D Grand Theft Auto game, and it certainly won't be finding itself on my list of all-time greats anytime soon.

Somehow, though, the general consensus in the world of videogame critique is that GTAIV is the best thing since, well, ever. I was talking to Kyle last night, and he made me painfully aware that the game has claimed the #1 spot on the all-time lists at both GameRankings and Metacritic. I was stunned, and wondered for a moment if I was dreaming. "GTA4?" I said to myself, "The best game of all time? What the hell are these people smoking?" So I began to read what I obviously missed in this shiny, online-enabled, feature-stripped version of a game that we've been playing for six years. This is what I discovered:

People are enamored by Liberty City

I agree with this, the city is huge and detailed, bustling with activity, and operates totally independently from the actions of Niko Bellic (unless of course he comes careening off of a garbage truck at 90 miles per hour and hits a group of union workers sitting on the stoop of a building by the park while the cops are chasing a thug down the street a block over). Rockstar has indeed created a rich environment to play in, and I applaud them for that.

Nobody has been told a good story lately

I'm sorry, but GTAIV's story is not as good as people seem to have convinced themselves that it is. The whole point of the game was to find "that special someone" from your past, and when you finally did, there was very little fanfare at all. That would have been fine if something of substantial gravity came up to overshadow it, but it didn't. Sure, there was a kidnapping, and that was a great mission, but an impromptu kidnapping and rescue is not quite the same as a lifelong hunt for someone who was responsible for the slaughter of your entire circle of friends in the most traumatic time of your life.

The final conflict was completely contrived and almost nonsensical. That last "villain" to be dealt with played a fairly minor role until the last mission, routinely dishing out assignments and acting in a generally amicable way toward Niko. When the hell do mafia bosses go on drive-bys, anyway? Aren't there "soldiers" for that? Additionally, don't you think Packie would have been just a little more upset that his SISTER was killed than a guy who just met her a week ago and had never even seen the inside of her apartment?

"Oscar-worthy" is an overused phrase

I liked the characters. Their performances were very colorful and genuine; they feel like real people - people you get to know personally. They lead you to either love them or hate them, which is the goal of any good dramatic actor. Only a couple left me feeling completely indifferent, and the biggest gripe I can conjure up about their dialogue is that some of their accents and ethnic colloquialisms sounded unnatural. That aside, dialogue was top-notch, but calling it Oscar-worthy is a bit of a hyperbole.

Improved controls mean flawless gameplay

Well, that's very debatable. The controls are absolutely better than in past GTA games. Combat, especially has been tightened up, allowing players to lock on, free-aim, use cover, and climb over obstacles on their way to erasing their enemies. It feels much more complete than the old GTA combat system, and allows for more complex firefights. Shooting it out with the killers of Liberty City is much more engaging and fun this time around, but it's not without its flaws and still manages to feel clunky on a consistent, albeit less frequent basis.

Driving in GTAIV is different than in past games. There are actually a few applicable laws of physics now, so each car will handle differently than the rest. This makes rollin' down the streets feel a lot less like the Cruis'n series, and more like a mildly sophisticated driving simulation. It's a good change. That being said, it's not really a whole lot of fun to drive around when you're trying to accomplish goals. Remember all the crying that accompanied Wind Waker's sailing? That's sort of how I felt about GTAIV's driving as I progressed further into the game. Thanks for the cabs, Rockstar, or else I may have just given up on trying to get to my damn missions. PS - That's not how gamers should feel.

"The missions are amaaaazing, and NOT repetitive at all"

Unfortunately, the missions in GTAIV are far less creative than what we have seen in the past. More than half of what Niko does in GTAIV involves the following 4-step process:

1. Get mission assignment
2. Go to highlighted location
3. Fight or chase
4. Chase or fight

A few of the missions stand out, as one might expect, but the ratio of truly interesting story missions to mundane and repetitive ones is disappointing. There are plenty of optional tasks to perform on the side, but within each category of mission, again, the weight of repetition bogs the experience down. That's not to say that there is no joy in completing missions, because they have to have been at least somewhat enjoyable for me to have completed the game. It's just that GTAIV makes me feel bipolar; sometimes it's really fun, and other times I just want to put it on the shelf and forget about it. It really depends on the mission.

So Niko's Liberty City adventure has added a bunch of new stuff to the GTA equation, including internet browsing, friendships, dating, social events, and a nifty cell phone that acts as a hub for your entire digital-age existence (and serves as a nice throwback to the payphone-based mission acquisition of the original GTA). These are fine additions to the franchise, but they're offset by the things that have been taken away.

First of all, money is damn near useless in GTAIV, save for an Xbox achievement, so that incentive to succeed is gone. Your hard-earned cash can get you ringtones and wallpapers for your phone, a few outfits from the clothing store, or the occasional gun when Niko has thrown his away, but that's about it. You can't buy businesses to increase your fortune or additional safehouses/garages to save your game and store your vehicles. Actually, there are no garages at any of GTAIV's safehouses, which is a big buzz-kill. Parking your Infernus in a "reserved parking spot" on the side of the street doesn't exactly give a person the same feeling as filling up multiple garages like an episode of Cribs.

As for character growth and customization, Niko won't be getting any haircuts or tattoos, nor will he be hitting the gym or improving his stats in any way. GTAIV has done away with that sort of character growth. Instead, Niko develops as a character through narrative and experience. We see and hear his views shift as the game progresses, which is refreshing for a GTA game, but he isn't the most dynamic and affective character videogames have to offer by any stretch of the imagination. Even the "big moral choices" that many have touted are little more than choosing who to kill and who to let live. Either way, not much is changed. This was a very disappointing aspect of the game.

"The multiplayer is huge and awesome!"

Well, yeah. It's pretty awesome.

Hmmm, now that I've pretty much reviewed this thing, I might as well give it a score, huh? Okay, to satisfy the arbitrary rating-seekers, I give it a :-) out of :-D

There you have it, my rant-turned-quasi-review of the most overrated game of the year. The point of all this is that GTAIV is not the be-all, end-all second coming of the gaming gods. It is a solid game, just like the rest of the series, but let's take a minute to remember what it means to be a "perfect" 10, shall we?

One Word Review | The Legend Of Zelda: The Ocarina Of Time

This is One Word Review, a concept that I shamelessly lifted from my friend Creighton over at eight bit childhood (it's okay, he said I could). The idea behind OWR, as we like to call it, is that videogames are so often rated, reviewed, and discussed to exhaustion that it is sometimes a relief to read a succinct, definitive description of a game--a single word that sums up the most prominent characteristics of the gaming experience. That's the idea, and now we begin:

Quintessential

Wii Paint: Can It Edit Images Too?

What else can the Wii do? That is one question that the brains behind Operation: Nintendo Wii seem to constantly be asking one another.

We've already seen things like the Wii Wheel to mimic real-world driving, gun-shaped peripherals and realistic shooting mechanics for first-person shooters, tennis racquets, golf clubs, and baseball bats to snap our Wii remotes into, and all manner of other interesting gameplay mechanics and peripherals. With the advent of the Wii Balance board and Wii Fit, however, the software for the Wii seems to be drifting from the company's gaming roots into the realm of non-gaming user applications.

Last week, I was speaking to GamerNode's superhero creative director Jesse about graphics editing, and at the same time applauding the recent re-release of the paintbrush-wielding adventure, Okami, when I thought of the possibility of a Photoshop-like application for the Wii (or maybe more along the lines of an enhanced MSPaint). The way I see it, videogame consoles are little more than mini-computers that specialize in a particular type of software, so why not add a typically PC-performed function in order to customize an aspect of the games?

Distribution of such an application could be as simple as a new WiiWare download, made available to users for a sack o' Wii Points. The newly downloaded "Wii Paint" would fit nicely next to the Wii Photo Channel, and the two could even be used in conjunction.

Later on, the Wii Paint application could even be tied into game releases, allowing players to add custom logos, icons, maps, etc. to their games, or even tweak and/or replace certain in-game textures. Knowing the passion with which gamers approach anything videogame-related, even a low-quality graphics editing tools could lead to incredible artwork. The following video clip comes to mind:

I assume that this Wii Paint idea would have to be of a somewhat lesser quality than something like Photoshop because of the hardware limitations of the Wii console. Obviously, we are not going to get a powerhouse program on the Wii, simply because of the less-than-impressive hardware specs of the console. With only 88 MB of RAM available, the Photoshop experience would be incredibly slow and frustrating. Additionally, the program would need to be of a reasonable size in order to fit in the Wii's 512 MB of internal storage space, so many of the more advance features of today's graphics editing software would have to be cut. So we're not really talking Photoshop, but I would hope that we're not talking about an MSPaint equivalent either.

In any case, something like this could be a very viable, elementary alternative for those individuals who may rock out on the Wii, but never get into the PC end of image manipulation. Graphics editing software can be pretty expensive, and not everyone knows how or where to find the el cheapo versions.

And remember that retirement home that was in the news way back when? I'll go out on a limb and say that they probably aren't designing websites on their MacBooks in-between knitting and naps...

The Count | Pimp My Ride: Great Videogame Vehicles

I recently made a move from my native land on the east coast of the United States to the Golden State of California - sunny San Diego, to be exact. While making the three-day, 3000-mile journey across the country in my trusty Toyota, I couldn't help but ponder just what makes an awesome 'ride' in the videogame world.

Being that next week marks the release of two very high-profile vehicle-based games in Grand Theft Auto 4 and Mario Kart Wii, I don't think I could choose a better time to talk about this subject...so I will.

Here are some of my favorite rides from the virtual realm:

Yoshi (Super Mario World/Sunshine)

Yoshi may not be a "vehicle" per se, but as a means of transportation, he is totally badass. Not only does he move fast and jump high, but he has a deadly stomp and will chow down on almost any foe that stands in your path. As an added bonus, Yoshi is so very easy to sacrifice if you find yourself plummeting to your untimely demise - just jump off his back to safety and watch him take the fall. Poor, loyal Yoshi. We only do it because we love you...and life.

Superbike (Grand Theft Auto)

A Grand Theft Auto reference seems so very appropriate right about now, with GTA4 just around the corner, and what better choice than the Superbike? That's right, before the days of three-dimensional Grand Theft Auto games, there was the charming top-down action of DMA Design's original GTA, and a few vehicles that went so ridiculously fast that the scrolling of the screen could barely keep up. The Superbike was especially fun, because any driver of the damn thing would inevitably find him- or herself getting quite intimate with that cement wall, car bumper, street sign, or anything else that may have ended up getting in the way - and it ALWAYS did. Who can forget watching that little criminal-in-training fly across the screen like a crash test dummy?

Kuribo's Shoe (Super Mario Bros 3)

OK, I promise that this is the last reference to a Mario game, but the Kuribo's Shoe MUST be mentioned in any article regarding awesome modes of transportation. This thing shoes up in exactly ONE stage in Super Mario Bros 3, and it is absolutely the best thing that could have happened to that game besides a free gold chain with every purchase. While in this little green (apparently wind-up) xmas stocking, Mario and Luigi are damn near invincible. Any enemy is crushed under its mighty pitter-patter and not even the vicious black piranha plants can penetrate its impervious soul sole. Win.

J-Bomb (Blast Corps)

Somehow, Blast Corps seemed to slip under the radar of many gamers when it was released on the Nintendo 64, even though it was purely enjoyable game of massive destruction (there's strategy in there, too...somewhere). Of all the interesting ways players could demolish buildings in Blast Corps, the J-Bomb robot was undoubtedly the coolest. This thing would fly up and over buildings, and then smash the $#!% out of them from above, easily demolishing block after block of towering skyscrapers in just seconds. Basically, if you rode the J-Bomb, everything was your bitch.

Epona (The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time/Twilight Princess)

Do I even need to explain this one? Ocarina of Time was one of the earliest instances of legit videogame horseback riding, was the the first three-dimensional Zelda game, and is STILL arguably the best game of all time (era-adjusted, of course). Epona was a part of what made that game so great. Besides the vehicular purpose she served, Epona was Link's companion throughout the adventure, and certainly part of a player/character bond that I'm sure plenty of gamers felt while playing Ocarina. In Epona's triumphant return to the Zelda series, horse-mounted combat only makes one appreciate her even more (those mounted battle scenes were definitely some of the best parts of the game).

Rush (Mega Man Series)

This puppy (yeah...corny) does just about everything. He turns into a jet, a submarine, a motorcycle, a spring-loaded stepping stone, and various other aids to Mega Man's cause. If my dog could do all of that, well, I'd sell my car and go deep-sea diving, but I'd also have the coolest dog in the friggin' world. The best part about Rush - he doesn't shed or need to be housebroken. Wooooo!!!

Anything from the Metal Slug series

I was just getting ready to wrap things up, when Rush reminded me of those mech suits in some of the other Mega Man games (I honestly don't know what they're called, and couldn't even say with 100% certainty which games they were in. I believe it's Mega Man X, but you guys can help me out if you know for sure). Those quickly made me think of Metal Slug, and here we are reading absolutely NOTHING about the vehicles I'm trying to describe (I'm getting there). The vehicles and suits in the Metal Slug games are absolutely awesome. They are like dual-wielding heavy machine guns with unlimited ammo and rocking a force field that makes your enemies cry tears of blood. Seriously, nothing stands a chance against a soldier in a slug vehicle.

So there you have it, some of the best videogame vehicles in my humblest of pretentious opinions. So what are the rides that stand out in your minds as the cream of the crop? I'm sure there are plenty of others that deserve some recognition, so comment it up!

PS - This is what I ride to the office every day:

Genre Fusion: Binary Lovechildren

It's not uncommon for gamers to hear the question, "what is your favorite genre?" Throughout my videogame-playing career, I have been hit with this very query on more occasions than I can count. Each time I feel slightly uncomfortable about giving a straight answer, and am compelled to not only say that I don't have a favorite genre, but also to explain why, and detail what I hope to see out of the videogame industry as it relates to the question of genre preferences.

It usually goes something like this:

I don't have a favorite genre. I prefer to take each game as an individual piece of work rather than lumping it into a category along with a myriad of other titles. Sure, I compare games to one another based on their similarities, but to prefer one type over another and to harbor preconceived notions about them seems counter-productive to enjoying as many games as possible. Being a videogame journalist, those sorts of prejudices can hurt my ability to objectively critique games, as well.

That all sounds like a very hippie-esque view of the videogame world, but in a very fundamental way, it is true. Games will be compared to a certain extent, but they must also stand on their own.

This is especially the case in the event of genre fusion - games that combine elements from two or more genres in a unique way. I happen to love when developers go this route and create something completely fresh (and hopefully enjoyable).

This has been happening more often as of late; it seems that the current list of genres just isn't enough to accommodate the creative vision of the people making games nowadays. They need to expand. Patapon, The Club, Professor Layton, and Penumbra: Black Plague are a few games that have fused genres very well in recent months.

Unfortunately, the progressive nature of titles such as these is difficult for some gamers (and reviewers) to grasp. I don't know how many comparisons of The Club to Gears of War I've read, but each time I feel just a little more disappointment creeping into my heart. The Club is basically a racing game...with guns...and points. It is not a traditional third-person shooter by any stretch of the imagination, yet many people desperately wish to compare it to those games.

Most of the time, however, the genre-fused product is so obviously on the cutting edge of inventiveness that it is recognized easily and judged accordingly. Patapon has been a hit with reviewers, as has Professor Layton. Butt does that make the 2D side-scrolling rhythm real-time strategy or the point-and-click adventure brain teaser the new hot genres? No...well, maybe...

I hope that there will come a time when genre distinctions, or more realistically, genre norms, are all but forgotten - when games aren't looked at as if they "should be" a certain way (more like game X or game Y), but just are what they are, appreciated solely for that which makes them unique.

...yeah, I guess that makes me an action-adventure-horror-shooter-rpg-strategy-racing-sports-sim kind of guy...

What's That Game Again?

Remember my "That game is what?" post, where I listed some of the most humorous Urban Dictionary definitions of various videogames to illustrate just how passionate, clever, and juvenile the internet community can be? Well I said I'd be back with more, so here's round two. Again, I just tried to find the most radical opinions of some of the more popular games and game characters in recent memory, and then brought them here, unedited, for your amusement.*

Here's what I found on my second quest into the dark abyss known as the internetz (entries left unedited for extra entertainment value - beware of profanity):

Super Smash Bros:
1 - The act of gangbanging a woman.

God of War:
1 - A game where Kratos seems to be the only real god since the other Gods die more often than mortals themselves..

Ninja Gaiden:
1 - "...Is too damned hard" is the end of that sentence..
2 - Overrated videogame developed by Tecmo for the NES. Following its release in 1988, the game went on to eventually attain enormous popularity amongst snerds and hardcore lamers alike..
3 - One of the Hardest games on X-Box that is impossible to beat..

Nintendo DS:
1 - A product that doesnt come close to PSP, grade is a D- where as a PSP is an A+
2 - A lame attempt by nintendo to revive their dying empire. People, nintendo is dead, move on.

PSP:
1 - PlayStation Portable: Sony's Handheld PlayStatio-*battery dies*
2 - A status symbol for nerds with money to burn.
3 - Overrated handheld made by Sony. Drooled by Sony fanboys who only care about graphics, not gameplay.
4 - Almost a games handheld, but has so much packed into it, it took several scientists to realise that could play games.

Grand Theft Auto:
1 - The best thing to happen to videogames ever.
2 - Awesomeness
3 - The game that turns even the most intelligent and polite guys into angry fools as they scream about failing another mission involving shooting hookers and crack addicts.
4 - A game that people play to make themselves feel important when they aren't. Highly overrated by the public. Winning awards it may have otherwise not have had it not been for the mass killing sprees and liscensed music involved in the game.
5 - The most overrated series of video games ever, because it allows nerds to look like big, bad, guys to be a criminal who steals shiny cars, kills hookers, and has sex, all in their imagination.

Everquest:
1 - A highly destructive psychological plague released by the neo-nazi affiliate, Verant. Symptoms of the virus include a brief sense of accomplishment followed by a rapid succession of worthlessness, the inability to function in a social setting, and permanent detrimental effects to one's chances of getting laid. The only known cure is suicide, or Everquest II.
2 - The second most effective birth control method next to linux.
3 - Created by people just as lonely as the people who play it. You play a gnome, elf, fairy or (Imagine this) a man. Your goal is to loose your job, wife, family, money, ability to use muscles (Besides clicking fingers and wrists), and life to this game. Your character collects graphical swords and potions in a never ending quest to obtain level 99 status. If you do, you are transported (in real "life") 10 years into the future, with no idea how the outside world looks, or how the sun looks for that matter.
4 - Also known as EverCrack because of it's incredibly addictive nature. Friends don't let friends play EverCrack.
5 - Something that slowly withdraws you from 'real' life, in which your daily chores become a means to a never ending end - hence the 'ever' in quest. The more you play this game, the more it will strangle you. 'Real' life activities such as waiting for the bus will most likely entail vivid thoughts of what you'd do if you could catch a female dark elf in real life or perhaps weighing up whether or not to buy a mug that makes you more intelligent. Enjoyment does not come from the actual play of the game as it is extremely repetative, rather it comes from the immense sense of power you hold over 'newbies' or those of lower 'level than you - Overall then, quite a decent computer game.
6 - It's like crack for nerds.

Gears of War:
1 - The only game on the market that lets you curbstomp people.

Rock Band:
1 - Actually Drum Hero, but with Guitar Hero and Karaoke Revolution added for free..

Master Chief:
1- a faggot guy wearing a green costume. Everything is fake and all u losers out there obsesed with the game just face it, hes a faggot! he has a girlfriend who isnt even real, named cortana, who lives in his head! He's a fag.
2 - The only person more badass than Spiderman, Superman, David Hasselhoff, Megatron, Optimus Prime, Batman, Goku, 50 cent, and Ryu COMBINED. And contrary to popular belief, he is also a mac-daddy pimp.
3 - A euphenism for a penis.

Call of Duty 4:
1 - The greatest alternative to sex, better than masturbation too.
2 - The most overrated game in the history of video gaming.
3 - The dstupidest game ever made
4 - The greatest game ever made. Ever.

Mass Effect:
1 - Gayest...Game...Ever!!!
2 - An evil game that will eat your soul if you try it. It is for the Xbox360, and it is Evil.

Peggle:
1 - To engage in sexual activity, esp. boinking.
2 - A peggle is a man who gives off the impression that he is slightly queer and flirts with girls at any opportunity in a girlish manner.

That's all for episode two. You can expect more fanboyism and franchise hatred in the future, and remember kiddies, don't drink and type - it makes you look like an ass.

*Disclaimer: The definitions in this column in no way represent the feelings of the author. If you would kindly direct your torches and pitchforks elsewhere, that would be greatly appreciated.

Hey, Batta, Batta... Swing! -- MLB 2K8 (Wii) Review

It's almost that time of year again; time to dust off the old glove, drag your spikes from the dark recesses of the closet, and begin the stretching routine. Baseball season is near, and with no EA offering this year, 2K Sports has a monopoly on all the baseball-related content on two out of 3 consoles (Sony's MLB 08: The Show is available on the PS3). That may not necessarily be the best situation for baseball fans, however.

MLB 2K8 is your traditional baseball sim, featuring exhibition, season, franchise, home run derby, tournament, situational, and quick play modes, along with management options such as roster, lineup, and rotation adjustments and a full create-a-player mode. These are pretty much standard fare for a modern baseball game, and throughout the various modes there are plenty of customization options, ranging from game rules to weather conditions to team and league configurations. Baseball fans will find enough to tinker with, and more casual players can choose to ignore as much of it as they want.

A few of MLB 2K8's features are conspicuously absent from this version of the game, however. There are no trading cards, no minor league games, and no online play. It's understandable that 2K is working with a new system of control on the Wii, and have stated that this was their focus in 2008, but to leave out entire portions of the game - especially online play - just doesn't seem like the best move.

Graphically, the Wii version of MLB 2K8 is obviously inferior to the other, high definition versions of the game. The players and stadiums lack the texture detail of their Xbox 360 and PS3 counterparts, and the ballplayers have an overall stiff feeling about them. The entire visual presentation feels very last-gen.

The audio, on the other hand, is pretty solid. Joe Morgan and Jon Miller deliver excellent commentary, augmenting their play-by-play call of the game with plenty of extra discussion about players, the game, and even a bit of history. I feel like could sit and talk baseball with these guys for hours - and I mean the digitized versions of them. The sound effects cover the basic aural necessities of a baseball sim, from the between-the-lines cracks and whizzes to crowd cheering, heckling, and the like. It's not the best I've heard, but gets the job done.

Now, on to the controls - a key component of any sports title. For the most part, the controls in the Wii version of MLB 2K8 work very well, but are not perfect. The Wii remote is a very good match for baseball games, not only because of its motion sensitivity, but also because of the button layout. 2K8 capitalizes on this. The d-pad is optimally placed for throwing to each base (although the game also features flick controls where the CPU chooses the appropriate base to throw to), and the location of the B button near players' fingers rather than their thumbs lends itself to intuitive pitching control. To fire one over the plate in 2K8, players first select a pitch type with the control stick and aim at the strike zone with the Wiimote's infrared sensor. Holding the B trigger while lifting the Wiimote vertically begins the pitcher's windup, and flicking it forward lets it fly. There is also a meter involved in pitching; players must perform the forward motion while the circular cursor is in the optimal green zone in order to throw accurately.

Batting is as simple as swinging the Wiimote as the ball approaches the plate, or holding the A button and aiming with the Wiimote to bunt. It is all very intuitive, but there are a couple of flaws in the setup. First, for some reason the game often has trouble detecting the Wiimote pointer during pitching. I found that every so often the cursor would be stuck in one place, and I would have to shake the Wiimote to elicit a response. The second gripe may be more of a personal issue, but it is still worth mentioning. When batting, I found the wire connecting the Wiimote and Nunchuk to be a hindrance to my swinging motion. Either the cord would flail about or I would tug at it as my hands drifted apart. This caused me to have to tone down all my motions and lose the smooth feeling I would prefer from motion sensitive controls. After doing so I had no trouble, but it did detract from the experience a bit.

MLB 2K8 is a solid and enjoyable baseball game, but has plenty of room for improvement in the years to come. If you're strictly looking for a baseball simulation on the Wii, 2K8 is your only option, and it gets the job done. To those who are less die-hard fans, I recommend giving MLB Power Pros a look, because I'm a lifelong ballplayer and prefer that title to anything else available on the Wii. I would have loved to see how EA Sports would implement the Wii's input system into a baseball sim, but this year it's all about 2K.

The Orange Blocks -- Puzzle Guzzle Review

They say that 8 out of 10 upstart restaurants are doomed to failure before ever getting off the ground. The same seems to hold true for the puzzle genre, where new concepts are always a hard sell to the gaming community. Puzzle games have to strike balances between simplicity and complexity, innovation and familiarity, freedom and strictly-defined rule sets, etc., all while remaining captivating and enjoyable to play. If a game falls short in these areas, it is likely to be relegated to bargain bin duties and rarely heard from again.

Irem Software's Puzzle Guzzle strives to carve out a place for itself among the endless library of related titles, and although it does bring some new ideas to the table, it just lacks that special something necessary to be a hit.

The object of Puzzle Guzzle is to form complete geometric shapes by lining up the different patterns on adjacent blocks, arranged in grid fashion. Each block can be rotated in place, but may not be moved from its position unless a block somewhere below it is cleared, causing it to fall. As you might have guessed by now, when one of the aforementioned shapes is completed, the blocks that comprise it disappear, and the player scores a few points.

There are three basic game types in Puzzle Guzzle, which can be played in a variety of ways. Drop Puzzle is your basic fall-from-the-sky mode, where blocks descend from above with increasing frequency and rapidity as time goes by and points build up. Players must eliminate blocks to prevent the screen from filling. Stuffit Puzzle is a timed game where the screen remains full of blocks at all times. Players simply try to make as many shapes and accrue as many points as possible before time runs out. Quiz Puzzle presents jumbled images made out of pre-arranged blocks, which players must clear all in one shot. This means carefully arranging blocks to avoid clearing any prematurely, and also planning out how eliminating certain ones will cause others to fall into place after the final move is made. This can actually become quite complex as multiple drops and clears come into play.

Both Drop and Stuffit can be played via game sharing or ad hoc muliplayer, as well as single player mode. All three game types can be played in challenge mode, which is basically a player vs. CPU match where the player is rewarded for each victory. For me, the spoils of challenge mode were the most interesting aspect of the game.

Before ever seeing a puzzle, you are asked to create a little mascot for yourself. This is as simple as a cube with a smiley face on it. The "challenge" part of challenge mode comes from the fact that players compete against any of the game's 100 other mascots, and after defeating them in deadly puzzle combat (not really), get to steal one aspect of the loser's design. Basically, it's like Mr. Potato Head all over again; the eyes, nose, mouth, hat, glasses, beard, shape, color, and voice of your mascot are all replaceable, as are the hindering effects that your opponents must endure when you efficiently clear blocks.

Finally, the game features a puzzle editing mode, where you can create and trade Quiz Puzzle designs, a stat tracker detailing a variety of things you may or may not care enough to know about your puzzle-playing, and...a daily horoscope reading based on your mascot's zodiac sign? I found that to be an odd addition, but it's there, nonetheless.

Overall, Puzzle Guzzle doesn't break any new ground, but is still a functional and sensible puzzle game. It suffers from a very bland presentation, however, and fails to either instantly draw gamers in or hold its audience's interest for more than a few play sessions. The gameplay is not entirely intuitive, and as the pace picks up, players are generally forced to settle for less and less, until things have boiled down to either popping of a bunch of 2-block shapes or wildly rotating blocks in hopes that you can be fast enough to actually accomplish something. Either way, there is little growth in terms of player skill or understanding, and that quite doesn't work for a puzzle game.

To be honest, each time one of these objects-fall-from-above-into-a-vertically-oriented-rectangular-container games is released, I can't help but to wonder if everyone is still in the midst of a multi-decade swoon over Tetris, or if entirely original ideas just aren't floating around out there. Maybe those are just the 2 out of every 10 that actually make it big.

PON PON PATA PON! -- Patapon Review

Truly unique experiences are sought after like gold in the videogame industry today, but rarely does a work deliver on an off-the-beaten-path idea as successfully as Patapon for the PSP. In what can best be described as a linear real-time strategy/rhythm fusion game, Pyramid and JapanStudio have managed to provide great depth and engaging game elements in what is, at first glance, a very simple piece of software.

Upon loading Patapon, the player is immediately thrust into a starring role as the re-awakened god of the Patapon tribe, and is charged with leading them to "Earthend," in search of "IT." The fourth wall is obliterated. In order to complete the task, the Great Mighty Patapon (that's you), must beat various rhythms on four sacred drums (the four face buttons) to command the little black and white eyeball warriors to advance, retreat, attack, defend, etc.

The traveling Patapon army starts off small, but grows as missions are completed. This is not an automated procedure, however; Patapons can only be birthed by combining raw materials such as woods, ores, and metals, as well as providing a certain amount of ka-ching (the game's currency) per unit. There are six unit types in total, each with four different levels, based on the resources used to create them. Only three unit types can be sent into battle at a time, however, after being outfitted with a variety of weapons and armor picked up from fallen enemy warriors. It is up to the player to determine what configuration of troops will be optimal for each mission, as they all have different strengths and weaknesses. The extent of customization is surprising.

In terms of gameplay, though, Patapon can be a bit repetitive. This is a game about drumming, and drum you shall. In a move of pure genius (that was sarcasm), the developers decided to omit a pause function, so be prepared to shut out reality when it's Patapon time. In the midst of a mission, there is no such thing as a telephone, computer, doorbell, dog, mailman, etc. -- there are only drums... only Patapon. That's not to say that the game isn't captivating as a whole, but that there are some parts (mostly early on) that are less exciting than others.

The way gameplay works is that the player drums the particular four-beat rhythm that corresponds to the desired action, and then the Patapons perform that action over the next four beats, singing away merrily (a merry killing song, of course). After that, the player picks things up again with the next four-beat command. Patapon isn't your typical rhythm game in that it doesn't throw button sequences at the player and expect them to match them or parrot back in some glorified game of digital Simon says. The call and response style of traditional rhythm games like Parappa the Rapper and Space Channel 5 is in place, only here the player orchestrates and the game follows. The catalog (arsenal?) of commands available to the player can be strung together to accomplish goals as he or she sees fit. It's rhythm-strategy.

The goal in any of the game's missions is to move from left to right, defeating everything in your path. There is never any turning back, unless of course you quit - and "fail" - the mission. This particular aspect of the game seems representative of the unalterability of past deeds, and also helps to convey the determination of the Patapon tribe to achieve their ever-present goal of reaching Earthend and discovering the unknown IT. The player's steady drum beat drives the tribe into what the game calls "fever," where all of their actions become more pronounced, such as inflicting extra damage with every attack or easily retarding enemy advances. This is achieved by either by acceptably completing 10 four-beat commands in a row, or by pounding out four consecutive perfectly-timed drum beats. These are signified by full, echoed sounds as opposed to the more flat-sounding normal strikes. The music ramps up as the war band approaches fever, adding more complexity, new instrumentation, and of course awesome Patapon singing.

Finally, the game raises moral questions, like whether or not the Great Patapon is indeed working on the side of good, if the destruction brought about by the Patapon tribe is warranted, and if blind faith in an unquestionable god's word is really the right way. You might notice that the Patapon's eyes are always fixed on you or on something that you tell them to destroy. Do they ever notice anything else? No, they can't...because they don't look at anything else.

Good little warriors or bad, everybody should at least try out Patapon. It's a great game.

Violence Prevents Violence: The Right In Virtual Wrongs

Emotionally affective games are becoming an increasingly popular topic of discussion as of late. From the more mainstream titles like Ico and Shadow of the Colossus to lesser-known (and decidedly less high tech) indie games like Passage and Gravitation, developers and players alike are seeing past the buzzphrase "games as art," and really noticing games' potential as tools to evoke emotion.

Which emotions, though? Are games limited to the tried-and-true feelings of happiness, sadness, love, sympathy, anger, fear...? Can they also make their players feel...disgusted? Shameful? Regretful? Guilty? I think they can, and I think that may be a very good thing.

As I mentioned last week, I felt a bit uneasy while playing Manhunt 2 on the Wii, as if I was doing something wrong, or was somehow a worse person for my actions. To elicit those sorts of emotions is an incredible accomplishment for a videogame, simply because not a great deal of them have explored the concept yet. In that regard, Manhunt 2 was a great success.

To be 100 percent truthful, I have never felt that way while playing a videogame before, partly because no videogame has ever been able to so viscerally connect its audience to the violence displayed on screen.

Games that can do this (and the Wii remote is an incredible aid) have the potential to be very strong deterrents to real-world violence. Introducing players to that emotional response - that feeling of shameful self-disgust - in the safety of their own homes allows them to understand the remorse associated with violent crimes without ever deciding to 'try it out' in the flesh. This goes beyond simple catharsis.

Consider this: what is the percentage of "rampagers" who ultimately take their own lives after their deed is all said and done? I don't have an exact statistic to cite, but anyone paying attention to media coverage of these crimes would have to assume that the number is fairly high.

The question I have to ask is, why do these killers kill themselves? Is it possible that they initially mean to commit their crime and walk away, but undergo some profound change of conscience in the midst of the act? Do they find there is no turning back from the unforgivable horrors they have wrought, and then decide that they are unfit to live, or that they can't live with the knowledge of their own evil deeds?

Is it an intensified version of the same feelings that arise during executions in Manhunt 2 that cause real killers to end their own lives, making it impossible to ever repeating their actions?

If that is the case -- that people don't want to feel those feelings after the initial experience -- then violent videogames such as Manhunt 2 could very well be an emotional tool that prevents, not begets, violence in the real world.

Of course there are those who want to die -- who PLAN to die -- and use their massacre as a means to achieve that goal. There may also be individuals who find gutting someone to be a fun pastime. They might even derive real pleasure out of killing. These sorts of people are psychos to begin with; not even videogames can save them.