Dark Messiah Of The Worst Load Times Ever -- Dark Messiah Of Might And Magic Preview

So late it is already irrelevant, here is my highly educated, videogame rock star opinion on the Dark Messiah demo:


Ohhh yeahhhh. That's a pretty sweet loading screen there. After watching the download bar progress on this demo for like 3 fucking hours, I got to start the game and immediately watch this totally awesome loading bar progress for like a minute solid. This was for the MENU. Luckily, my endless tenacity prevailed, and I made it to the main menu, only to be greeted by yet another loading screen before the first level loaded. I stepped out to take care of some other business.

Finishing up on my taxes, I made it back to the room just in time for the first level to load. Not bad, I could adapt my Counterstrike play style easily enough, game runs smooth, etc. That's when my computer locked up. This gave me an awesome opportunity to watch the loading screen again!


So I made it into the game finally and some old dude was telling me what to do. I didn't mind it that much, because the character I decided I was going to role-play during the 12 separate minute-long load screens had grown up in a poor family, and was often abused by his drunken father. His mother long dead, my character had often tried, in vain, to make some connection with his father. As such, he longed for fatherly affection. So the old guy was okay.

Thankfully, he mostly just told me how to do stuff like kick guys into spikes, which I enjoy. I got a spider diamond and then progressed to the next level.


Awesomely, I wound up in a giant underground castle. Who decides to build a castle underground? I'll never know. Naturally, I immediately leapt off a cliff and was forced to load the autosave.


That's right, there's an incredible load time even for loading a quicksave in the exact same level you're already in. RADICAL!

Finally I got somewhere, and then I kicked some guy right in his ass and knocked him off a cliff!


I like that. Naturally, I went about killing every enemy I met by kicking them off things, breaking things on their heads, and knocking heavy things on top of them. That's when I learned Dark Messiah's greatest feature. You can kick people into fire and they start burning! Sweet fucking FIRE! You can burn crates and then throw them on to things and light those things on fire too! I didn't take a picture though, so here is another loading screen:


This game lets me be a giant asshole, which I like, and the load screens are pretty cool too. I give this my highest rating: 1 star.